As readers know, I am a horror writer and an avid scary story fanatic, among many other things. I also have a lot of sass, a taste for liquor, and a tendency to critique things I do not particularly care for. As I said on my previous blog entry, “Top 10 Creepypastas”, the Creepypasta community has a few hits, but it also has a LOT of misses. I liken it to dumpster diving. Sometimes you’ll find a few good things that just need a little wash up before they are donated to a greater cause, sometimes you’ll even find something you want to keep for yourself. What will you find most of the time? Trash. So, because even I can see a negative side to things, here is the 10 Worst Creepypastas in my opinion. Instead of just saying “this sucks and I hate it”, I plan to offer critiques on them about things that work, things that don’t, and things that are particularly egregious.
It Will Get Worse. If you looked up the definition of “so bad it’s good” in a phrasebook, you would find this Creepypasta in its entirety. It is terrible beyond reason, but its terribleness is more hilarious than groan-worthy, mostly because of the hilariously bad grammar and spelling. Give it a listen over on MichaelLeroi’s channel and listen to these guys try and fail to read it without laughing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tBvBNMlZCXY
The story of Username 666 is more interesting than stupid, but it is totally fake and relies on the whole, “AAA 666 is evil AAAAAA!” thing to get people freaked out. The videos are actually taken from a user on youtube who makes interesting horror themed works, but the fact that this story has fooled people is hilarious enough to keep it only on the honorable mentions. At least the visuals are neat, (the drawing above is hilariously bad though, enjoy). http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Username:_666
The stories that encompass Slenderman would have been included on this list because they are unoriginal and dumb, but due to the recent horrific and reprehensible deeds committed by two sociopathic teenagers, I will not include it. Slenderman is still pretty dull though. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slender_Man
10: Mereana Mordegard Glesgorv
OH NO A PHOTOSHOPPED IMAGE, OH NO SO SCARY! Ok, ok. There is a reason why this story isn’t higher on the list. And that’s because there isn’t much to it, other than the video of a guy staring, and then a photoshop of his face made to make it look like he’s smiling. Apparently people killed themselves after watching the “whole video”, but the author doesn’t even bother to give inklings as to what happens in the “whole video”, so why should it scare me? This Creepypasta is a waste of time, but it’s hardly the awful affront to horror writing that later entries are. http://wafflesatnoon.com/mereana-mordegard-glesgorv/
9: Lavender Town Syndrome
Ok, we’re getting into thought out bad territory with this one. Many Poke-pastas are terrible, but the story of the Lavender Town music causing suicides is the granddaddy of them all, so let’s tear this one apart! Apparently, the music of Lavender Town is so atrociously bad that it causes suicides and insanity in people. This could have worked if the music itself wasn’t accessible and was described more artistically, or if it took place in the mind of a child slowly losing their mind to the music. Still, to just say “omg dis muzic maek u die an go crzy!” is just a lack of effort. This is another pasta that I feel generally apathetic about. If the author doesn’t care, why should I care? The side stories of Buried Alive and Pokemon Creepy Black are just as dull and uninspired. http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Lavender_Town_Syndrome
Considered the forefather of the “lost episode” genre, one can see why almost every lost episode pasta is terrible if one looks at this general mess of crap. A cartoon slowly going “weird” is not scary, especially when you consider that many MANY actually weird cartoons were created in the 1930s. The idea of a tape causing someone to commit suicide was tried in other entries and it never seems to work. Once again, the “scary” part of the cartoon isn’t described, hinting at the author’s lack of imagination. Apparently the viewer was driven to shoot himself with a security guard’s pistol, (why does a security guard even HAVE one?!). Once again it relies on the “hell” cliche, which is tired and old. This story could have been successful if more imagination was poured into it, but for now, “Real Stuffing isn’t Foam”. http://www.creepypastaindex.com/creepypasta/suicidemouse-avi
“But BECK, this one is GOOOOD!”. Yes it is creepy, but it has one fatal flaw: the author has NO IDEA what an actual Skinwalker is and as such, shits all over Native American mythology An actual Skinwalker, as described by the Navajo, is a shapeshifter of sorts that gains its powers from killing a member of their own family. The actual stories are chilling and frightening. The Rake, however, is a creature created on a forum deliberately designed to be scary. These two things being combined is one of the WORST things that could happen. The fact that the author not only gets the tribal myth WRONG but uses it as an excuse to write a story about a Rake is infuriating. The fact that some people comment “I don’t care if it’s wrong” just enrages me more. How can these kids NOT care about traditional mythology?! Just write a story about the Rake and leave traditions out of it! http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Skinwalker
6: Mr. Mix
You know a Creepypasta fails at doing its job when it makes me laugh rather than making me scream. The game section of the Creepypasta is boring and just describes a game that children are afraid of. I was afraid of things in video games when I was a kid, but that doesn’t mean it was actually something evil. It describes the game and how “scary” it was and how it caused “untold psychological damage”, but never goes into detail. Then, at the end, a random guy is arrested and says “I AM MR. MIX RARARARARARAR”. Apparently that was supposed to be the jumpscare, but that made me laugh more than anything the day that I decided to read it. Listening to an accredited Creepypasta reader didn’t lesson the blow and made me laugh even more. Basically, this thing fails and less people need to write gaming pastas. http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Mr._Mix
5: The Real Chuck-e-Cheese
Talk about taking something that isn’t scary at all and floundering in an attempt to make it scary. The scariest thing about Chuck-e-Cheese is the price of the gross pizza and the fact that kids run everywhere and scream like wild animals. Nope, we gotta make a Creepypasta about it. Apparently giant mutant rats are being raised in the back rooms of the building, how original. Also, the writer, for some reason, this person is able to remember EVERY detail from his “experience” that happened when he was 5 years old. I don’t remember everything from when I was 5, and I’m sure this author could have made this better if it was more vague, also with less stupid giant rats. Also, for some reason, this child is super powerful and able to escape not only a grown scientist, but also a rat, that is somehow in a wide open area of the Chuck-e-Cheese. To listen to a reading, go here and skip ahead to about 6:54. Prepare to laugh. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1DEn-xr79c
4: A Close Encounter with the Tails Doll
Good gods above is this hilariously bad. This is a story written by someone who seems to think that dolls are scary, let alone stupid plush dolls of Sonic characters. This is but one of a couple Tails doll stories including one that is a ripoff of Bloody Mary and apparently summons a plush doll in the mirror that is OH SO SCARY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD. This story falls flat in assuming that stuffed animals are scary. As a collector of weird stuffed animals, I always find it funny when my friends express their fears about them. They’re just stuffed toys. Also, it is impossible for a stuffed doll, even if it is imbued with supernatural powers, to lift a chainsaw and start fires without burning itself. The grammar is terrible and the image of a goofy looking Tails doll chasing people is hilarious. If they wanted to make a scary doll story, they should have made it have more mysterious things happen little by little rather than trying to be scary with gore and plush toys. The author needs to go back to the cl assroom and rethink this story. http://sonicthehedgehogcreepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/A_Close_Encounter_with_the_Tails_Doll
3: Squidward’s Suicide
*retches* This is the pinnacle of pointless gore. And by pointless I mean VERY pointless. When I read this, I found myself going from skeptical, to frustrated with the random tense changes, to nearly losing my lunch over the descriptions of the mutilated children. “BUT BEEEEECK, you included a story in your top 10 that included the death of a child! TWO in fact!”. Those deaths, however, were a part of the story, seamlessly incorporated, and in one case, an unsettling twist of events. The deaths in this story are the only “scary” thing about it, and they are more tasteless and gross than scary. The idea of animation growing more “deranged” is also quite dumb. Spongebob is an innocent show, and no matter how hard people try, it will never be scary. Between the grammar, the improbability, and the absolutely tactless and stupid inclusion of mutilated children for “shock value”, this one is a stinker. http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Squidward%27s_Suicide
2: Jeff the Killer
Oh gods above, not this stupid fangirl fodder. There are so many things WRONG with this story that I don’t even know where to begin. Since I mentioned them first though, I think I will start out with the pedophi- I mean fangirls. I don’t know if these girls know that they are obsessively flinging themselves at a brain-damaged child. Maybe that’s what turns them on, I don’t know! I don’t want to know! As for the story itself, the grammar is beyond terrible, and many impractical things happen. Teenagers carrying guns and doing wrestling moves like luchadors? Check! Bleach and alcohol somehow turning someone’s skin white and hair black? Check! Cliched origin story? DOUBLE check! There are ways that this story COULD have worked, but the writer seemed more focused on creating the deranged lovechild of Freddy Kruger and The Joker to even bother trying. Why not make the child more believable as a child, and the bullies more believable as bullies? Why not show Jeff’s downward spiral instead of saying “He felt weird”? Why not make his injuries more applicable to what actually happened to him? The final nail in this story’s coffin for me is the badly photoshopped picture. When you can easily make a face damn near close to the image, it loses its impact, and I am the self-entitled Queen of the Slasher Smile. http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Jeff_the_Killer
And the WORST Creepypasta I have ever read is..
This is it. The KING of the shit pile of bad Creepypasta. This is just terrible, beyond terrible, astronomically bad. SO bad that there is even a drinking game for it, (On the wonderful MichaelLeroi’s channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zO9rTlLip0)! It has ALL the cliches. Hyper-Realistic blood, gore, dead animals, 666, game glitches, evil stuffed animals attacking people. It makes me wonder if the author even tried, or if they set out to make something terrible and that children thought it was SO scary that it was legitimate. The author who writes it even dares to claim that EVERYONE is a big Sonic fan, which I must strongly disagree with. The games are dull and the fandom is utterly insane. The grammar in this story is also atrocious and the author tries to freak out the reader with gore rather than setting up legitimate scares. There is no suspense whatsoever, no atmosphere, no nothing. At best, this pasta is hilarious as you play the drinking game and slowly get trashed laughing your ass off, and at worse, it’s a pile of trash best left alone. http://www.creepypasta.co.uk/2013/07/sonicexe.html
Next time we will turn to good things with The Mythology Snob’s piece on Shin Megami Tensei, followed by another entry on SMITE. I need some positivity after this much stupidity.