Lollipop Break: Top 6 Boss Themes

Yep, I’m going to talk about this game some more.

One thing that I talked about in terms of my favorite bosses was how amazing the music is for each and every one of them. Composed by Jimmy Urine of Mindless Self Indulgence, each of these songs sounds similar but is done in a completely different style in line with each character. Each one is absolutely fantastic and unique…but how do they stack up against one another?

The rules of this countdown are that there is only one phase of each song that can be used, as in multiple song phases will not appear here. Also, this is totally based on music alone, not on the boss fight, whether I want to knock the boss’s boots, or whether the boss is gross, just the music.

6: Killabilly Phase 1

https://i1.wp.com/img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130713170303/lollipopchainsaw/images/5/5a/Close-Up.png

http://youtu.be/snRnKvmj7tQ?list=PL6pgVvI5a_OLewgEV0TRvdBMrjpVdUFJr

Don’t get me wrong, this song is awesome. It just doesn’t scream “final boss” to me, however, it does scream “I am weird and awesome and showy as hell, pay attention to me!”. The opener is very catchy and a good lead in to the fight. While Killabilly is not a very good final boss, I can’t deny the amazingness of his music and the uniqueness of his character and theme. It’s still a pretty groovy and intense song.

5: Josey Phase 2

https://i1.wp.com/img2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120612153217/lollipopchainsaw/images/b/b4/Lollipop_Chainsaw_Enemies_Josie_01.jpg

http://youtu.be/vNoYJrfHY8U?list=PL6pgVvI5a_OLewgEV0TRvdBMrjpVdUFJr

This is the section of the battle that takes place in Josey’s UFO, which while a very unimpressive race against the clock to disable his spaceship, has some fantastic earwormy music accompanying it. It really embodies the character of Josey the Funk Master as it is extremely catchy and funky but also has a sound similar to an old-school video game. I can see this being played in a nightclub with people mindlessly drunkenly bobbing their heads to it, not that that’s a bad thing at all!

4: Vikke Phase 3

https://i0.wp.com/img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120613191413/lollipopchainsaw/images/4/48/Lollipop_Chainsaw_Enemies_Vikke_01.jpg

http://youtu.be/3GQyyY5XK9Y?list=PL6pgVvI5a_OLewgEV0TRvdBMrjpVdUFJr

Oh Vikke. I adore your boss fight, but it was hard to pick which of your themes is the best to bang one’s head to. So I picked the one where he’s a giant floating head. Ha. Ha. No seriously, this is easily the most intense and melodic part of the song and I absolutely love my metal to have a good melody while sounding intense. Nothing quite screams intense like having this playing while you are dodging shoopdawoops from an angry Viking head.

3: Mariska Phase 1

https://i2.wp.com/img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130627030721/lollipopchainsaw/images/8/85/Pieces.png

http://youtu.be/rJoezZTyRlI?list=PL6pgVvI5a_OLewgEV0TRvdBMrjpVdUFJr

This is the phase of Mariska’s theme that I like the most, even more than the intense Phase 3. I feel like the slow, dreamlike Phase 1 is more in-line with who Mariska is as a person and what she represents. It’s a beautiful opener to the most visually stunning boss battle in the game, and a wonderful homage to psychedelic rock while still keeping true to the sound that Lollipop Chainsaw is known for. I love this, a lot.

2: Zed Phase 3

https://i2.wp.com/img4.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120706010137/lollipopchainsaw/images/b/b9/Zed1.jpg

http://youtu.be/Arlz-IJdS0M?list=PL6pgVvI5a_OLewgEV0TRvdBMrjpVdUFJr

I’d be lying if I said that this bastard hasn’t grown on me as of late like an annoying red-headed fungus. That being said. I’ve always loved the 3rd phase of his theme more than the overrated first and second phases. It is at this point where Zed is at his most desperate, having been cut down the middle and nearly in half. It’s his last, shouting, screaming, cursing stand, and this song carries all the volume, weight and power that the other sections of his theme were lacking in. Plus it’s infectious. Like…really infectious.

And the best boss theme of Lollipop Chainsaw is…

1: Lewis Phase 1

https://i2.wp.com/img1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20130711005948/lollipopchainsaw/images/3/3b/Lewis_Face.png

http://youtu.be/tUmeTtiIfDI?list=PL6pgVvI5a_OLewgEV0TRvdBMrjpVdUFJr

Oh c’mon. Like anyone else was going to be number 1. I already stated in my other countdown that Lewis has my FAVORITE boss music in the entire game, (all 3 phases of it), however, it was difficult to pick out which phase I liked the most as I found them all fantastic. In the end I chose this one. Why? Because it’s the most awesome section of an awesome song, (I was torn between this one and Phase 4, which is pretty damned amazing too). It is this part that mirrors Lewis’s personality the best, old-fashioned, cool, and with a dark edge. Rock on, you handsome devil.

The Mythology Snob: Top 10 Most Horrifying Humanoid Monsters in Mythology Series/ Part 4: The Americas

Let’s continue this fantastic tour of terror!

10: La Llorona- The Woman Scorned: Mexico

Starting off my list is the weeping woman of Mexico and the American Southwest. Driven to suicide after the death or murder of her children and being abandoned by her husband, this woman has emerged as a wailing spirit that haunts the river where she drowned herself or died of starvation, depending on the iteration. She is always calling out to her children, that she will never find. She is a very unique “boogeyman” ghost, usually appearing beautiful and motherly in order to lure away young children to a watery grave. She was created by mothers to keep their children away from dangerous rivers.

Why is she scary?: Due to the loss of her children, La Llorona is desperate enough to drown living children so that she may once again have companionship. Damn.

9: Teihiihan- The Cannibal Dwarves: Arapaho Folklore

This is exactly what it says on the tin: Little people that eat people. They also keep their hearts and intestines outside of their bodies pinned to walls. These horrifying little bastards are excessively violent and enjoy killing as many people as they can in order to try to reach the dwarf afterlife by dying in battle. They are said to be able to turn invisible and move at high speeds.

Why are they scary?: They’re little, strong, and hungry for your flesh. The only reason why they are not higher on this list is because they are INCREDIBLY dim-witted.

8:Donkey Lady- Housework CAN Kill You: United States

Based in San Antonio, this woman scorned puts the horror of La Llorona to shame. It is said that the Donkey Lady was a housewife in the 1950s when she was caught in a terrible fire. The fire horribly disfigured her face and body so that she looked like a deformed donkey-like beast. She lost her children in the fire and this tragedy drove her insane and led her to flee under a bridge near San Antonio. To this day the Donkey Lady is said to haunt this bridge, pouncing on cars as they pass by and screaming, as well as stalking people if they dare enter the woods that serve as her domain.

Why is she scary?: The Donkey Lady is both implicitly and explicitly scary. Implicitly because this could happen to anyone, minus the whole donkeylike features. Explicitly because HOLY SHIT that must have been some fire to turn a normal woman into such a hideous beast.

7:Loogaroo- Hag-Pires: The Caribbean

No, not a Hag-Pire like Radu. These Hag-Pires are actually horrifying instead of hilarious. Hideous old women, the Loogaroo strips off her skin at night and flies across the night sky…on fire. It is then that they slip through any crack or crevice in a home, no matter how small, and drain victims of blood. If the victim dies, she will become a Loogaroo herself, or she will be skinned and used as a disguise by the witch in order to gain access to more victims.

Why are they scary?: Flaming. Blood-sucking. Skin-flaying. Evil. Witches. If it weren’t for other things on this list being far scarier, these things rake in a decent amount of nightmare fuel on their own.

6: The Goatman- Part Man, Part Goat, All Crazy: United States

The Goatman is a fairly modern myth…and a fairly scary one. His origin story can vary, from being a scientist who was mutated by his own shady experiments, to a vengeful Native American spirit, to an insane cryptid. What remains constant is his affinity for chopping those that he comes across into as many pieces as he possibly can with an axe. He also is said to be so horrifying that just looking at him can cause a person to go insane and commit suicide or run into oncoming traffic. Also known as the Pope-Lick Monster, this creepy cryptid belongs on this list.

Why is he scary?: Getting chopped up by a deranged human-animal hybrid does not sound like the most ideal situation, does it?

5:Baykok- Vengeful Warrior Spirit: Chippewa Folklore

Baykok are ghostly figures, appearing either emaciated or skeletal in nature. They are said to fly through the woods of the Great Lakes region of the United states, wailing and shrieking as they go along. I was first exposed to these creatures in the Song of Hiawatha in which there is a Baykok referred to as “Death”, and they were always unsettling. These ghosts were not satisfied with haunting the living, they enjoy preying upon warriors and will do so by firing upon them with invisible arrows and then devouring their livers. Fortunately, said livers are not devoured with fava beans and Chianti.

Why are they scary?: These guys are so strong that they don’t even bother going after everyone and they specifically seek out the most powerful warriors in the tribe, devouring them. Now that is scary.

4: El Sombreron- The Evil Womanizer: Guatemala

A boogeyman developed to terrorize women and girls, this terrifying spirit, man, goblin, or demon, (whatever he is) appears wearing an enormous black hat that hides his face. He travels out after dusk and lures women to him, where he will braid their hair. Sounds innocent enough, right? Wrong. If a woman allows this entity to braid her hair she will fully fall under his spell and become so entranced that she will be unable to eat or sleep and eventually die. *shudder*

Why is he scary?: He’s like that perverted creeper we all knew in college, just 10 times worse!

3: Camazotz- dunnadunnadunnadunna BATMAN: Mayan Mythology

All joking aside, Camazotz is no super hero. In fact, he is definitely a villain. A scary, heartless, evil villain that looks like a giant bat-person or in some cases just a REALLY big bat. Known as the “death bat”, he was the sworn enemy of Chaac, the god of rain. Also, he is most known for tearing one of the hero twins’ head off and using it as a ball in games between the gods. Although the unfortunate Hunahpu eventually got his head back and the two defeated this demon. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. He destroyed the entire human race once.

Why is he scary?: A literal bat out of hell that murdered the entire first race of humans and temporarily killed one of the new Mayan peoples’ greatest heroes? Nightmare Fuel for 800, Alex.

2: Wendigo- The Campfire Story Staple: Algonquian Folklore

Every child who grew up in areas like where I grew up can remember the first time they gathered around a campfire and heard about the horrible creature known as the Wendigo. Violent, remorseless, cannibalistic, and appearing to have freshly risen from the grave, these nightmarish monsters are born when an individual commits the atrocity of murdering their family. They are insatiably hungry for human flesh and in some variations of their stories, leave burning footprints in the snow as their flesh rots away. The Wendigo is also a morality tale, as those that are greedy are more likely to become them.

Why are they scary?: They are human beings that have been twisted so much by the evil that they have committed that they become monsters that can only eat other human beings. Also they look like corpses. Also, they are TERRIFYING fodder for campfire stories, which is where I first heard of them as a child.

And the Number 1 Scariest Humanoid Monster of American Mythology is…

1: Xipe Totec- The Flayed God of Sacrifice: Aztec Mythology

As scary as everything else on this list is, this guy takes the cake and eats it too…along with your still beating heart as a side dish. That’s right, it is from Xipe Totec that the horrific ritual that the Aztecs were most known for came from, and it is from Xipe Totec that a WHOLE lot of nightmare fuel comes from as well. Firstly, let’s begin with the fact that he flayed himself alive. That’s right. He has no skin. He did this in order to provide food for humanity and all, but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying. Artwork of this deity depicts him with many attributes such as wearing the skins of sacrifice victims, sporting a massive hole in his chest in which a victim’s heart was placed, and usually screaming in fury. It was during the yearly festival for this god that some of the most brutal and famous sacrifices were conducted, all in the name of appeasing the flayed god. Also he invented war and loved to see people murder each other in his honor. Yes, all of this more than justifies giving him this spot, I know.

Why is he scary?: This god is literally ALL of the Aztec nightmare fuel you will ever need. End of story.

The Mythology Snob: Top 10 Most Horrifying Humanoid Monsters in Mythology Series/ Part 3: The British Isles

It'll Keep Me Up All Night

Now where were we?

Oh right! To the most fun I’ve had making a countdown in a while. I love the myths, legends, folklore, and fairy tales of the British Isles. No matter what something is, it always has a haunted, eerie edge to it that I absolutely love. So herein are my favorite really scary creatures from the land where 80% of my ancestry comes from either way you slice it.

10: Black Annis- The Classic Boogeyman: England

Black Annis was the first “scary witch that eats children” that I was exposed to, and as such, she has a spot on this list. It’s not just for nostalgia though, she has some real horror chops. Armed with claws made of iron and clothed in the skins of the children and lambs that she has eaten, she was developed by parents to scare their children into behaving. Like all hags, Annis is hideous, but she is of particular note in that her skin is a sikening almost flourescent shade of blue. A classic scary old witch, the inspiration for many famous witches in popular culture, and a great way to start this list.

Why is she scary?: A horrifying old woman that enjoys killing naughty children and wearing their skins. What a scary way to start this list. Goes to show you that the Isles don’t hold back on the nightmare fuel.

9: Spring-Heeled Jack- The Vile Victorian: England

And here we have my favorite English cryptid. I say cryptid rather than mythological creature because for one thing, Jack appeared throughout the Victorian age which is rather recent to be considered mythology. Also, the accounts of him are so intense and varied that he can be considered as a cryptid along with Bigfoot and his ilk, the Jersey Devil, and the Goatman. So what is he? Well he’s a dashing, devilish gentleman who has the ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound and blow bright blue fire out of his mouth, nothing out of the ordinary at all. He also earns a spot here because of his *ahem* interest in the ladies.

Why is he scary?: imagine a horned, firebreathing demon leaping down at you at high speed and tearing your clothes off. Pretty horrifying, no?

8: Lham Dearg- The Red Right Hand: Scotland

Oh I love this fairy. He is probably one of my favorite forms of “creepy” fairy that Scotland has to offer, (Although Ireland has the market cornered on fairy nightmare fuel). Lham Dearg is the military man of the fair folk. Sadly, he is overlooked in most popular culture, and I only heard of him after Shin Megami Tensei decided to make them a creature in their games. Impaled with several swords, ghostly, and with hands stained red with blood, (usually the right hand or sword hand) he challenges all who dare to cross their bridges to duels. Those that do not accept his offer are doomed to die within seven days.

Why is he scary?: You might say “But Beck, this guy is more COOL than scary”. Well, imagine being challenged to fight by an eternally bleeding human pincushion and then dying if you chicken out. Not so much fun anymore huh? I also have to note that I named one of my favorite stuffed animals, (a blood red empty-eyed teddy bear in a kilt) after this fellow.

7: Spriggan- Baby Stealing Tree Giants: Cornwall

Spriggan

Like many fairy creatures, unsurprisingly, the Spriggan is described as tremendously ugly and mischievous. These “ghost giants” are able to change their size and appear as stone covered in moss, twigs, and bark. They aren’t overly scary unless you bring into account their tendency to abduct human babies and replace them with their own deformed and monstrous children. Then they become the epitome of adult fear.

Why are they scary?: They take your baby away and replace it with one of their own. The thought of losing a child, sibling, neice/nephew, or cousin is horrifying, but the idea of having them replaced by an ugly and evil stone and earth monster while they are “spirited away”? Augh…

6:Redcap- Bloodthirsty Gnomes: Scotland

For something so small these things sure pack in a lot of nightmare fuel. Let me first start by saying that no, their hats aren’t naturally red. They become red because they dye them in the blood of their victims. You know how their hats stay red rather than turning brown as the blood ages? Well, they just have to keep killing more and more people in order for their hats to stay red. They are wicked little things wielding pikes and possessing sharp teeth and claws.

Why are they scary?: They will literally kill you for no other reason other than a dye job. If that isn’t horrifying, I guess I don’t know what is.

5: Wild Hunt- A Congregation of Doom: Wales

Sadly the only qualifying entry from Welsh folklore, (they REALLY like dragons and stuff) from the homeland of my father’s ancestors comes the spirits known as the Wild Hunt. These men, horses, and hellhounds travel across the sky at night in search of their mark. Like many forms of spirits in the British Isles, they are said to cause bad luck to those who view them as well as preceed some great catastrophe such as war or disease outbreak. Mortals, especially young women, caught in the fray would be sweeped up by one of many of the heroes participating in the hunt and carried off by him in order to join them. Although they might have considered this to be fun, the abductee certainly did not as they would disappear, never to be seen again.

Why are they scary?: Though mild compared to entries higher on the list, these men and beasts come with a hefty omen attached to them along with a habit of picking up groupies on their wild journeys across the sky.

4:Dullahan- Riders of Death: Ireland

Ah the Dullahan. They have become something of a pop cultural phenomenon, but the thing is, pop culture doesn’t really understand these tremendously ugly beings. That’s right, I said tremendously ugly. Their faces carried under their arms are said to be unnaturally large, grinning, and having the color and texture of molded cheese. These creatures serve a similar function to Banshees, calling out a person’s name and causing them to drop dead on the spot. However, they are somehow less scary than their wailing counterparts in that they are also the original “trolls” of Irish myth, I mean the “trololololol” sort of troll, of course. These riders enjoy dowsing those that have caught sight of them with a hefty bucketful of blood. You just got punk’d!

Why are they scary?: Horrifying headless ghosts with heads like moldy cheese. Yeah I’ll take nightmare fuel for 200, Alex. However, they lose points for being absolutely horrified of gold. The mere sight of something golden will cause them to panic, freak out, and gallop away as fast as their horses can carry them.

3:Nuckelavee- Galloping Straight out of your Nightmares: Scotland

Holy shit. I don’t even. What is this damnable thing?! It’s a lot scarier of a horseman than any Dullhan, that’s for sure. Let’s start simply, the Nuckelavee has no skin and its blood is a pitch black that can be seen pumping through the veins and arteries of both the rider and the steed. Its rider permanently fused to its back by layers of flesh and sinew, this steed drags itself out of the sea to spread chaos about the land. It’s breath was considered to be so foul that it could destroy crops and cause fatal illnesses. People were so afraid of this thing that they would immediately recite a prayer after mentioning its name.

Why is it scary?: Firstly, it has no skin…and it lives in salt water. *cringes* Secondly, it can kill you just by breathing on you. That’s pretty damned terrifying.

2: Banshees- Harbingers of Death: Ireland

These damned things are the cause of many childhood nightmares, partially due to the fault of my father allowing me to watch Darby O’Gill and the Little People at a young age. The banshee of that film still scares the crap out of me to this day. But enough about a film, we’re here to talk about how scary banshees are. Why exactly are they scary? Because they scream and wail, literally that’s all they do, endlessly, horrifyingly, until the person that they are screaming for eventually drops dead. Banshee origin stories can vary from being the ghosts of mortal women that died in childbirth to being horribly twisted fairies. Either way, these things are bad news.

Why are they scary?: They foretell the death of a person by screaming in such a horrible sound that it can cause some people to go mad by listening to it. They also usually look pretty damned scary too. However, they come shy of the number 1 spot because their queen, Cliodhna was a very lovely woman who indoctrinated the luck-giving Blarney Stone.

And the Number 1 Scariest Mythical Humanoid from the British Isles is…

1: Grendel- Render of Flesh and Bone: Anglo-Saxon Mythology

Grendel

I couldn’t leave him off the list, now could I? That would just be wrong. And it would be wrong to have him at any spot BUT number 1. Grendel was so horrifying that only Beowulf did not fear him, and with GOOD reason. Grendel had an insatiable appetite for people and a horrendous attitude. But the absolute scariest thing about Grendel was that he is never fully described in the story. He could be a hideous monster. He could be a normal man. He could really be anything. That is why I used this picture of his representation in Shin Megami Tensei because I find this to be the most powerful image of the character. He is strong and powerful and marred with the scars of a thousand battles, but his face is not visible, which makes him unnerving as hell. This character has gained renewed popularity thanks to his, (amazing) appearance in The Wolf Among Us but I will always remember reading Beowulf for the first time and wondering who this monster was and why he scared the crap out of me as much as he did.

Why is he scary?: Grendel is the archetypical monster. He is huge, hungry for flesh and blood, and incredibly violent. He murdered an entire hall of people before Beowulf finally took him on in a fight. Even then, Beowulf had to wait for him to weaken from blood loss after tearing his arm off in order to kill him. A one-man murdering machine, Grendel puts the acts of those below him on this list to shame.

 

The Mythology Snob: Top 10 Most Horrifying Humanoid Monsters in Mythology Series/ Part 2: Europe

Let us continue…

To be specific, this top 10 will cover all of Europe excluding the British Isles. Greek, Roman, and Norse mythology will be featured here since they aren’t -quite- as nightmare-fuely. However, the nightmare-tastic Abrahamic myths will show up here. Oh joy.

10: Leshy – Death by Laughter: Eastern Europe

I’m starting off my list of European creepers with something fairly innocent. Leshies are generally benevolent guardians of nature, sometimes playing tricks such as hiding woodsmens’ axes and mimicking voices. Why are they on this list then? Well, imagine hearing your friend calling out for help and struggling to catch up with them only to end up lost and alone in a cave and the last thing you ever hear is your own laughter as you are tickled…to DEATH. Not so innocent now, are they?

Why are they scary? : Imagine being tickled so much that you die and having no idea what is happening to you. That has to be horrifying.

9: Scylla- The Original Eldritch Abomination: Greece

Picture this. You are having a nice day sailing and you see a beautiful woman the size of an island emerge from the water. Pretty cool huh? That’s when the multiple hideous heads around her waist come out of the water to eat you and your crew. One of my favorite monsters from Greek Mythology, Scylla had to make it on this list simply because of how screwed up she is. She however, isn’t any higher because she isn’t quite as horrifying as the other ladies and gents higher up…which is saying something considering the whole multiple people-eating heads business.

Why is she scary?: Multiple people-eating heads. Need I say more? Also, she got cursed and turned into this by a jealous witch. Witches are bad news. Witches that can turn you into…this are worse news.

8: Nachzehrer- Auto-cannibalistic Vampires: Germany

Exactly what it says on the tin. These are vampires that eat themselves. If they eat themselves though, why are they on this list? Well, you see, as they consume their own flesh, their burial clothes, and even the wood from their coffins, their own family starts to wither and die. Sometimes these creatures are said to attack and devour their families outright, but it is much more common for them to do so through auto-cannibalism. This makes them scarier than modern conventional vampires as if they rose out of the grave, they would often have no skin and sometimes have huge chunks ripped out of their bodies. Yuck.

Why are they scary?: These guys can doom you without even getting their hands on you. That is utterly horrifying. Also they are REALLY gross.

7: Draugr- Viking Metal Zombies: Norse Mythology

Nope, it’s not what you think, although Vikke  of Lollipop Chainsaw was indeed based on these horrifying abominations. Hideous, decaying, and bearing fatal wounds of battle, these huge, hulking zombies would attack anyone that dared go near their graves in search of treasure. They would also attack farms and kill animals by riding them to death. The worst part about these things were that they were immune to weapons and also possessed magic powers, being able to enter the dreams of the living and even control minds. They can kill humans with their weapons, drive them to madness and suicide, and in extreme cases, devour them alive. The only Norse mythological monsters on my list, these fallen men of war deserve a spot here.

Why are they scary?: Super intelligent super strong zombies. Need I say more?

6: Strigoi- The Original Vampires: Romania

So what were vampires before their reputation was completely destroyed by Twilight? Horrifying as hell, that’s what! Reanimated corpses of the dead that would seek out entire families and drain their life energy either through drinking their blood or absorbing their essence through the air. Strigoi could be fresh corpses or…not fresh in the least and are generally susceptible to typical vampire weaknesses, with the exception being sunlight. They avoid the sunlight to mask their hideous appearances, but do not wither and die in it. There is absolutely nothing romantic about these monsters and perhaps most horrifying of all is that their targets were generally their own families.

Why are they scary?: Imagine a family member dragging themselves out of their grave, showing up at your house and violently killing you or slowly leeching away at your energy until you die of weakness and become just like them. Yeah…

5: Doppelganger- It’s You But Not: Germany

Imagine that you are walking down a street one night and out of the corner of your eye you catch someone that looks EXACTLY like you. However, there is something off about them…something evil. Enter the doppelganger. Besides looking exactly like you, they are also an omen of death or misfortune in a way similar to Black Shuck and Banshees of the British Isles. What exactly this spirit does, however, is up to interpretation based on region. However, the Germanic version is the original, and the most disturbing.

Why are they scary?: Someone who looks just like you, but with evil intentions? That opens up a whole bowl of wax when it comes to scary things that could happen.

4:Lady Midday- The Personification of Heat Stroke: Eastern Europe

Lady Midday is quite similar to Kuchisake-Onna, who was Number 2 on my Asia list. She will ask those she comes across a question, and if they fail to answer correctly, she will kill them. She, however is slightly more benevolent than the Slit-Mouth Woman in that she genuinely cares for her crops and their well-being. This woman, however is a bit of a sadist. She targets exhausted workers in the middle of the day and expects to have complex discussions with them. A form of boogeyman, Lady Midday was used to explain many different horrors experienced in the field from equipment accidents, to heat stroke, to sudden illness.

Why is she scary?: You try answering Jeopardy questions while you are sweating profusely and trying to work. I’m sure it wasn’t that easy.

3:Maenads- Angriest Drunks: Greece

What could ever be terrifying about lovely drunken women to merit a spot this high on my list? Well, they’re not exactly the nicest drunks in the world. They had a tendency in their drunken fury to tear living animals limb from limb and devour them raw. In several instances, these deranged women tore human beings apart if they acted against Dionysus’s wishes, their most famous victim being Orpheus. On some occasions this would even extend to their own children. The worst part is that Dionysus brainwashed these women to commit these acts just for the fun of it and the women cursed to be Maenads would be rendered utterly insane for the rest of their lives.

Why are they scary?: The Maenads are one of the most horrifying groups in Greek mythology, scarier than the giants, the cyclopes, and the titans. The most unsettling thing about this is that they were normal women with normal lives before they were addled and literally minutes later they’d be insane enough to tear human beings apart. *shudder*

2: Incubus- Don’t Go to Sleep: Christian Mythology

These things are terrifying, no matter how much fanservice they get from women who misunderstand their mythology. To be specific, these demons only exist to rape women while they are sleeping. The most horrifying variations of this include the Mare of Germanic folklore that also causes sleep paralysis by pinning women to their beds and suffocating them. Like the more commonly known Succubi, Incubi will also slowly draw from their victim’s life energy, weakening them. What happens next varies. Either the woman will become pregnant with a soulless monstrous child, she will wither from sickness and die, or she will go mad and be driven to suicide. Either way, they’re probably one of the scariest things that has ever been thought up.

Why are they scary?: Rape is horrifying, evil, and the most reprehensible act that can be committed. These creatures literally do NOTHING but rape people. You do the math.

And the Number 1 scariest humanlike creature in European mythology is…

1: Chernobog- He Who is All Evil: Slavic Mythology

An entity as shrouded in mystery as he is shrouded in pure evil, Chernobog is the “Black God” of early Slavic myth. He was so widely feared by early Slavic tribes that they dared not even speak his name, let alone worship him. This is because Chernobog was the representation of and cause of all evil in the world. Chernobog was the equal and opposite of the “White God” Belobog and the two would be constantly locked in a stalemate. Chernobog could not fully engulf the world in evil, but Belobog could not banish him entirely from the world either. A dark, accursed being in the vein of Satan and Rangda, he nonetheless is powerful and horrifying to behold. No representation of this evil force has shown up in early artwork, however pop culture representations range from Disney’s massive black demonic figure to Shin Megami Tensei’s graceful but hideous interpretation, (pictured above). All around, a very scary guy who deserves this spot at number 1.

Why is he scary?: Chernobog is literally the cause of all evil in the world. He can also spread ill will and bad luck with the mere mention of his name. Also, he cannot be defeated. Not even by the biggest force of good in the world.

The Mythology Snob: Top 10 Most Horrifying Humanoid Monsters in Mythology Series/ Part 1: The East

Let the Nightmares Begin!

This will be a new series that I plan to work on. I love mythology. I love horror. Why not look at the intersections of the two? In each of these posts I will look at horrifying gods, goddesses, monsters, ghosts, and demons from mythology by region and rank them by how much they freak me out. Our first region is the East, constituting China, Japan, India, Korea, and Indonesia. Oh yes, we’re starting out strong.

10: Preta- The Hungry Ghosts: Tibet

You know the countdown is intense when these creepy little bastards are at number 10. Formed from the souls of people who have sinned or had negative character traits in life, Hungry Ghosts, or “Preta” as they are referred to in Tibet, They’re small, malformed, vaguely human-like creatures with insatiable cravings for disgusting things such as human corpses, excrement, or rotten food. These spirits can be appeased through ritual should they inhabit a home, however, they spend much of their time in desolate and decrepit regions.

Why are they scary?: Because if you aren’t a good person, you too could become a tiny, malformed, potbelled demon that eats poop. *shudder*

9:Oshiroibaba- The Makeup-Seller from Hell: Japan

This is indeed a case of “Bitch in Sheep’s Clothing”, and it’s sad that not many people have heard of this horrible woman and her terrifying face powder recipe. This is also another reason not to trust people trying to peddle you their makeup, unless of course, they’re from Avon and can show you their certification. You see, Oshiroibaba sells a face powder that is to die for, literally. The stuff will melt your face off. As a person with extremely sensitive skin who wears makeup, this myth makes my skin crawl.

Why is she scary?: I can see that she wouldn’t be scary to men or women that don’t wear makeup, but to a woman who does, this is one of the most horrifying scenarios that can be imagined. Putting something on your face that is supposed to help it, but instead having your face peel off in your hands like that scene from Poltergeist…*cringe*

8: Jiangshi- The Hopping Dead: China

You know what’s more unnerving than something running after you? Something hopping after you, stiff as a board from rigor mortis and out to devour your flesh and blood. Jiangshi, or sometimes called “Chinese Vampires” or “Chinese Zombies” Like Western Vampires, if they infect a living person, that person will slowly become a Jiangshi themselves over time. These gruesome ghouls come in varying states of decay, but almost always have long white hair, are dressed in traditional garments, and are animalistic in nature in a way that one would not expect from a fairly dignified looking creature. However they may look, though, they are unsettling as hell just from how they move…oh yeah, and the fact that their favorite food is people.

Why are they scary?: Although the idea of a flesh-hungry being hopping after you like a kangaroo might seem hilarious, the horror sets in from the fact that they move like this from rigor mortis. Also they can turn you into one of them. Joy of joys.

7: Xing Tian- What a Giant Pain in the Neck: China

Okay, now we’re hitting some serious nightmare fuel. Forget any other mythological giant ever, this guy takes the cake. Aside from being a giant, Xing Tian has the notable distinction of having a face on his stomach. Why? Because the Yellow Emperor really likes taking enemy heads. Rather than give up, and, you know, die, Xing Tian wanted to keep fighting, so he grew a new face on his stomach and continued on his quest to fight against all that is good and fantastic. A grumpy giant is one thing. A grumpy giant with enough will to overcome death just to kick your ass? Meep.

Why is he scary?: Willpower, willpower, willpower. Also he has no head and his face is on his stomach. Also he is evil and hates all things good in the world. This guy is like Sleepy Hollow on roids.

6: Rakshasa- Actually Terrifying Vampires : India

It seems as if the formula for much of the East’s mythology is to take something that is a scary idea and cranking up the horror. The Rakshasa are no exception, being some of the most nightmarish vampires of the entire world’s mythology. A trait that all of the multiple iterations of this creature have are long sharp upward-pointing fangs, insatiable bloodlust, and horrendously ugly looks. Rakshasa have become increasingly common in media, ranging from the King of Naps Kumbakharna making an appearance in SMITE to the decently-horrifying Rakshasi Taraka making your day miserable in Shin Megami Tensei: IMAGINE. However, these depictions do no justice to the original Rakshasas of myth and the artwork depicting them, which is pure nightmare fuel with bloodshot eyes and grins that say, “Pleasure to EAT you.”

Why are they scary?: Violent, horrifying, and bloodthirsty vampires. Need I say more?

5:Tikbalang- The Horse-Man Rapist: The Phillipines

Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife. The Tikbalang is a half-horse, half-man spirit in the reverse fashion of a classic centaur in that their lower body is humanlike, but their head is horselike. In some cases, these spirits are viewed as benevolent protectors of the forest, immensely territorial caretakers at worse. However, in other cases, it is said that a Tikbalang will attack unsuspecting women traveling in the woods alone and violently rape them to produce more of their own kind. This ups their “horrifying” factor high enough to earn them this spot on my list.

Why are they scary?: It commits the single most reprehensible deed that one can commit on a regular basis in order to make MORE of its own kind…that will in turn rape MORE women. This is edging into high-octane nightmare fuel here.

4: Sundel Bolong- Tokophobia Incarnate: Indonesia

As many people who know me well know, I am rather afraid of the idea of childbirth. So many things could go wrong. The mother could die. The child could die. Both could die. The Sundel Bolong is this fear realized and given human shape. The spirit is that of a woman whose child was somehow born by clawing itself out of her back, killing her. She generally prefers male victims and is a sensitive woman…until one breaks her heart. At that point they will be castrated. Although harmless to women, the imagery and nightmare fuel surrounding this woman propels her way up my list.

Why is she scary?: For someone who is afraid of childbirth, like yours truly, this is one of the worst possible images that can be thought up. For men, imagine moving your date’s long beautiful hair out of the way to discover a massive hole in her back. Yeah, not so nice, huh?

3:Penanggal- The…excuse me *retches* *vomits*: Malaysia

Now this vampire makes the Rakshasa look like a tame, cuddly teddy bear. These are women who live normal lives in the daytime, but at night detach their head, heart, lungs, and internal organs from their body and fly through the air in search of human blood. How metal is that? These hideous ladies prefer to feed off of children, babies, and mothers, and those that are bitten by them, rather than becoming a gross head-innard-guts monster become afflicted with a serious disease that is almost always fatal. There is absolutely nothing romantic about these monsters, and that makes them so high on this list. That and they cause any appetite you might have had to be nonexistant.

Why are they scary?: Can you imagine one of these things flying at you? Or better yet, someone turning into one? If you didn’t freak out and run, you’d at least vacate your stomach contents on the spot.

2: Kuchisake-Onna- The Original Jeff the Killer: Japan

Move on over, Jeffy-boy. The REAL killer with a permanent grin was developed in Modern Japan, not on some goofy teenager’s computer. Does this count as mythology? Why not? The Slit-Mouthed Woman tale became SO pervasive at one point that young children were ordered to be escorted home. Kuchisake-onna is fairly modern for this list, but I felt like she deserved a spot here. Why? Because she provides the ultimate case of “heads I win, tales you lose” to her victims. Claim that she is not beautiful, and you get cut in half. Claim that she is beautiful, and she will mutilate your face to look like her’s. It can be said that she can be distracted by answering with “I don’t know”, “You’re average” or “What about me? Am I pretty?”. She also has a penchant for candy and will scramble after it if it is thrown at her. I don’t know, but if I was a horrifyingly ugly woman cursed to make other people ugly or kill them, I’d want some good old fashioned junk food too.

Why is she scary?: That image of the slit mouth, no matter how pervasive it becomes, will always be freakish looking and unsettling. Not to mention, her prey is most often children. That’s right. Kuchisake-onna mutilates children whether they approve of her look or not. That’s messed up.

And the Number One Freakiest Legendary Humanoid Creature of Asia is…

1: Rangda- The Witch to end all Witches: Bali

OH so you thought Baba Yaga was scary? Black Annis gave you nightmares? Rangda the Demon Queen, also known as Rangda the child-eater, is if you took a classic evil witch and cranked the “nightmare fuel” dial up to eleven. This horrifying woman leads an army of witches, demons, and other ne’er-do-wells against the deity of good, Barong. These two fight endlessly for control over humanity. But what happens if Barong manages to best this hideous woman? Oh, she just comes back to life, is all, and keeps fighting. The only thing more terrifying than an evil entity out to eat your family and spread disease, is an evil entity out to eat your family and spread disease that DOES NOT DIE.

Why is she scary?: Just LOOK at her! Imagine that crawling through your window to eat any children in your home, then afflict everyone else with horrible withering disease. Also, if someone manages to kill her, she’ll just bounce right back and start doing it all over again.  Nuff said.

 

Our next list will take us to Europe, specifically the Europe that does not include the British Isles, (that’s for another time). Prepare for more nightmare fuel and sleep tight!

 

Lollipop Chainsaw Boss and Booze Countdown/ NUMBER ONE!

Here we are, at the number one boss of Lollipop Chainsaw and the final boozy beverage of this series. Like he even NEEDS an introduction…

1: Lewis Legend, The Rock n’ Roller Zombie

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Damn. Just…Damn. That is the most ridiculously attractive undead character I have ever seen.  There is some concept art where Lewis’s pretty face looks like it had taken a nice affinity to some asphalt, but the developers chose to make him into a handsome devil. I wholeheartedly approve of that decision. However, handsome as he is, Lewis is the most outright sadistic of the five purveyors. He loves the sounds of screaming and death, and loves it more when he is the cause of those sounds. He also has, I believe, the best voice work in the game. One would expect him to have a voice similar to the very early rockers of the 50s, but instead his tone is a low reverberating growl that really fits with his violent personality. Lewis is more than just a good looking bad guy, he’s an INCREDIBLE boss. A multistaged epic of a battle that far outclasses the final boss, Lewis is first fought on his bike, and then fought in the many stages of the amazingly awesome mech Ellyphant. This is the longest and one of the most difficult fights of the game, but the grandeur, the music, and Lewis himself make it one of the best fights I have ever played in my years of gaming. I might sound a bit fangirly with all of the things I have said, but let’s face it, a boss this good DESERVES to have more fans.

Lewis represents the roots of rock n’ roll, and the culture of the 50s. As such, I have chosen a very classic drink, the ubiquitous martini, and done a riff off of it, I quite enjoy martinis and trying different variations of them, so I greatly enjoyed producing this dark and intense creation. I prefer a blend of both gin and vodka in my martinis but you can adjust the levels of each to your liking. This drink is smooth at first, but ends in an aggressive but satisfying note, just like this fantastic boss fight.

Beautiful Death

1 1/2 oz Blavod (black vodka)

1 1/2 oz good gin (my favorite is Bombay Sapphire)

1/2 oz Chambord

1/2 oz dry vermouth

Ice

Add all ingredients to a cocktail shaker. Shake and strain into a martini glass. Garnish with a lemon peel. Enjoy the essence of Elephant Rock.

 

 

 

Lollipop Chainsaw Boss and Booze Countdown/ Numbers 3 and 2

3: Mariska, The Queen of Psychedelia

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Ah yes, Psychedelic Rock. One of my favorite musical genres of all. I think part of this is because, as I said, I worked at the Bethel Woods museum for two years, where the Woodstock festival took place in 1969. Being in a museum of nonstop psychedelia gets to you after a while and you find yourself becoming enthralled with the melody. Mariska is one of the most accurate bosses in the game, as, almost every old hippie that I know that my parents were friends with or who visited the museum acted in a very similar manner. Perhaps they were just on drugs at the time. Who knows? Either way, she’s not only a fantastic character but a fantastic boss battle. So…why is she Number 3 instead of Number 2 or 1? Well, that’s simply because I like the next two better. Either way, that is not saying that Mariska is a bad boss. Her battle is the visually fantastic drug trip that it is supposed to be, (There was a booth at the museum that would play a video all around you on several screens and it reminded me a lot of this.) Mariska, however, is a boss that you have to “get” to like. Some people might say that she is weird or that she sounds like she’s having an orgasm when she talks, or that she babbles. But really, she’s a perfect representation of hippie culture and I love her for it. I even had her boss theme as my ringtone for a while.

As hippies were more known for their LSD and weed, it was very hard to come up with an alcoholic drink representing this boss that would be fitting. So I didn’t. This one is the mocktail of the bunch, and you will likely need it after the utter liquor dump that is the first and second cocktails. It’s full of things that are good for you and good for the environment.

Everlasting Peace

6oz brewed organic fair-trade yerba mate or tea

organic raspberries

organic blackberries

splash of lemon or lime juice

mint leaves

Ice

Place berries, citrus juice, mint, and ice in a glass. Muddle lightly. Add mate or tea. Enjoy simply without garnish. This brew will transport you to a world beyond human perception.

 

2: Vikke, The King of Viking Metal

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Oh yes. I just put Vikke at the number two spot. Whatchagonnadoaboutit, skraelings? From Vikke’s ridiculous over the top personality that had me actually laughing after the painful annoyance that was Zed to the fight itself. I wanted this boss to go over the top and it went so over the top that it went through the roof, the atmosphere, and into space. Look at someone and tell them “I just fought a massive Viking zombie with a living bear pelt and a monster sized axe on a flying pirate ship. He shot lightning at me and he even attacked me while in two and later three pieces! I almost got pac-manned by his enormous laser-spewing head!”. See if their jaw doesn’t drop. There are also some people that are more fans of VERY Heavy Metal, (with the guys that sound constipated, just to be clear) that found his boss music weak, but I actually didn’t mind it at all. Then again, I like Folk Metal and classic Metal, what do I know? Back to Vikke himself. He is so involved with the style that he represents that he sounds more like a half-trashed Viking than some metalhead. Rather than sitting in his basement headbanging and wearing gaudy black shirts, Vikke dons a goofy horned helmet and commands his army of “scraelings” from a flying ship. He exercises control over lightning, making him the undead, murder happy equivalent of Thor. All of this, combined with his surprisingly darkly funny nature, (“I’ll use her faaaace to make a hat!”), makes him memorable, and for me, places him this high on my list.

This was perhaps the drink that I struggled with the most. But then it came to me, a stroke of simple genius that I had been overlooking. Vikings are known for their love of mead, which, coincidentally, is one of my favorite alcoholic beverages. Of course, this would have to be involved for this character. However, unless drunk in MASSIVE quantities, mead really isn’t that strong. The solution? A large flagon of mead surrounded by a series of accompaniments. This is also a callback to Vikke himself who fights in one piece, two pieces, and as a head, and also to his bear friend Yumil.

Short and Stout

Mead of your choice, (My personal favorites are from Moctezuma Winery or Honeyrun)

1 shot glass of dark spiced rum of your choice, (I prefer Kraken) for the stomping legs

1 shot of Jaegermeister the lightning slinging upper torso

1 shot Goldschlager for the laser blasting head

1 shot Barenjaeger or other honey liqueur for Yumil

Serve the mead in a chilled mug and enjoy slowly. Over time, enjoy one of the shots. The mead will taste differently with each shot that accompanies it. Congratulations. You have completed part of Vikke’s Viking Creed. It is best to wait for the second part until all your guests have left, though, because that would be horribly awkward.

 

 

Lollipop Chainsaw Boss and Booze Countdown- Numbers 5 and 4

I kicked off my Lollipop Chainsaw boozefest 9000, (Don’t worry, it’s just a working title), last night with Zed and a rather obscenely named cocktail Tonight, I will feature two more bosses, discuss them, and offer a creative mixed drink that represents them. So let’s keep going, shall we?

5: Killabilly, the Zombie of Zombies

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Kicking off tonight is the final boss of the game. It’s Dead Elvis, everybody! While this was one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life, I found the boss fight rather dull and lacking in pizazz for a final boss. Granted the theatrics of the fight were great, but other than that I found it not nearly as creative or interesting as some of the bosses higher on this list, and it seemed over far too quickly. Still, the sight of a Godzilla-sized Elvis throwing cars at you is enough to make even the most hardened no-nonsense gamer laugh their ass off. This boss is somewhat implicitly disturbing, however, when one thinks back to the decline of the real life Elvis, who tragically died after losing himself to American overindulgence. Still, tragedy aside, there was not a better choice for this boss because Elvis was and still is the King of Rock and Roll, the artist whose music eventually inspired all the other types of music featured in this game. And when musical styles are zombies, it is fitting that their king is…well…the King.

Rather than using an era for this inspired booze bomb, I have been inspired by Elvis’s love of weird food combinations, specifically the peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich. This drink should be consumed last out of all of them because, even though a couple after this one contain a much higher level of alcohol, the drink is very heavy and filling. Also, oh yeah, there’s bacon involved. It is named after one of the few quotes that this not too bright tub of lard has, as your loved one will probably hate and/or judge you after consuming this gargleblaster.

Love Hates Me

1oz 99 Bananas

1/2 oz nutliquor peanut butter vodka

1/2 oz Godiva white chocolate liqueur

Several strips of bacon, fried

Ice

Whipped Cream

Green colored maraschino cherry

Place all ingredients except bacon into a blender. Blend well. Pour into a large glass. Decorate with strips of crispy bacon around the edge of the glass, top with whipped cream and the unsettling cherry. Enjoy?

 

4: Josey, The Master of Funk

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Well if it isn’t the funniest boss in the game, and possibly the weirdest. We’re talking weirder than normal Suda51 here. Weirder than DESTROYMAN. Josey is practically indescribable. He has the most ridiculous costume that is some amalgamation of pimp, voodoo priest, and squick, and his voice is autotuned. There are still a few creepy things about Josey, in spite of how goofy acting and looking he is. Firstly is his eyes, which owe their appearance to the eight-foot piles of cocaine that he is a fan of, but more disturbingly is that his mouth does not move when he speaks and he almost never breaks his smile. His boss fight is very weird and trippy, taking elements from video games and featuring more neon than Las Vegas at night, but it’s certainly fun! Like Josey, funk music is a strange entity. It was born in the 1960s with artists like James Brown, Sly and the Family Stone, and even Jimi Hendrix adding to its unique style. Funk floundered for some time before being picked up again in the early eighties with Prince and Rick James, (to whom Josey owes a LOT of his influence). In short, it’s a strange mess with good sound, but it’s certainly memorable.Although my preference when it comes to funk is certainly the early stuff, I can appreciate the Superfreak in everyone.

I was perhaps the most excited to create this drink out of all of them because I knew that it was here that I could get really crazy and fun without consequence. How would I do this? Why, by making a glow in the dark drink of course! Tonic water contains ingredients that glow in the dark, and especially under blacklight. To add to the glow, I have included glowing ice cubes in all colors to create a really funky experience. As for the drink itself, it’s a riff off of the party drink of champions, Jungle Juice. As such, this is NOT to be taken lightly, It’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever made. Not even kidding. This groovy drink will make you want to dance and whether that is a good or bad thing is up to you.

Funk Me

1/4 oz Smirnoff citrus

1/4 oz Smirnoff grape

1/4 oz Smirnoff watermelon

1/4 oz Island Punch Pucker

1/4 oz Kool Aid, (any flavor you like)

1/2 oz Pineapple juice

1/4 oz tonic water

1/2 oz clear soda, like Sprite

frozen pink lemonade concentrate to taste

Glowing ice cubes in assorted colors

Mix all ingredients. Serve in a tall glass with the glowing ice cubes and a really cool twisty straw. Garnish with a ring of pineapple and half a strawberry. Get freaky.

 

Are you trashed yet? No?! Well there are two more bosses coming in the next post, and that means more booze!

 

 

A Defense of Lollipop Chainsaw and the Next Drink/Countdown!

Yes it is as weird as it looks…but what else is it?

Yep, it’s time once again for me to discuss something else that is stereotypically “un-feminist” to like that I am absolutely in love with. Let me begin by saying that Suda51 makes some of the weirdest and best video games I have ever played, with Killer 7 being perhaps my favorite game of all time. However, while my praise for Killer 7 is met with intrigued questions, appreciation of my love for unique and artsy games and talks of its progressive nature, my praise for Lollipop Chainsaw is met with looks of disgust and confused gasps of , “You like THAT game?!”.

I think the reason why many people are surprised I like Lollipop Chainsaw so much is because many are confused that it is purely a fetish game. Apparently, featuring a female in a skimpy outfit automatically makes a video game “man only” material reserved only for fappers and droolers. While Juliet Starling provides quite a bit of fanservice with her array of increasingly scandalous clothing, the person that is objectified the most in the game is actually seen hanging from her hip: her boyfriend, Nick. Over the course of the game, my favorite non-boss character is subjected to all kinds of humiliation, from having his head sawed off in the first place, to being plastered with makeup by Juliet’s little sister, to being insulted and gawked at by just about everyone. Now, I might be going out on a limb with this, but, what if the exploitation of the defenseless Nick is a commentary on the common exploitation of women in video games? Mull that over for a little bit.

I must also say that I am absolutely sick and tired of the idea that a woman has to be butch and fully covered in order to be a strong woman. Juliet Starling is certainly a strong female character, as not many 16 year old girls would have the guts or the training to do what she does. It is said that she killed her first zombie when she was a baby and has only been getting stronger from there on. In fact, every female member of the Starling family, (excluding the stereotypical mom) is a strong character. Cordelia is more typical of the strong female being a tough sniper, but even she is allowed to crack jokes from time to time. Rosalind is also a zombie hunter, and while the best way to describe her is “walking Animaniacs gag”, she still manages to be useful. What? The game is sexist because only one of the bosses is female? Well, Mariska is one of the most memorable bosses in any game I have ever played and she represents her time period and music very well. Also, her style of music featured a lot of very popular female artists including Grace Slick, Joan Baez, and of course, Janis Joplin, so it was a great choice.

What else do I like about the game? The bosses of course! Suda51 is known for his unique and memorable bosses, from the tragic Andrei Ulmeyda, to the incredibly fucked up Destroyman, to the innuendo-spewing six-eyed Lord Fleming. The bosses in Lollipop Chainsaw are few in number but each makes an impact on the viewer. Or at least they did on me. This is partially because each boss is based on a genre of music: punk rock, viking metal, psychedelic rock, funk, and rock n’roll, This game also features Zombie Elvis as the final boss, which is one of the funniest ideas I have ever seen realized. Let’s also say that some of the types of music in this game are very highly enjoyed by yours truly, from psychedelic rock that filled my ears for two summers straight working at the site of Woodstock, to classic rock n’roll which fuels my fashion sense. to viking metal which is some of the only metal that I enjoy. Each boss has their own unique personality and look ranging from highly accurate, to godawfully annoying, to unbelievably hilarious, to “Hot damn, that’s a zombie? Does that make me weird like those Twilight fangirls?”

I’ve talked about the bosses in this game a lot, haven’t I? Well, that’s because that is the subject of this blog’s latest countdown and drink recipe series at the same time! Each post will feature a boss, along with my commentary about them, starting out with my least favorite, and moving on to my most favorite in the game. Each boss will also have a time-period appropriate drink that I have created to compliment their behavior and appearance. I’ve been longing to exercise the little mixologist in my brain so let’s begin with my least favorite boss!

6: Zed- The Punk Rockin’ Misfit

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WHAT?! Zed is my least favorite in the game?! But his song is so cool and his voice acting is so great, you say? I would have to agree, there is no bad boss in this game and they are all pretty awesome, but Zed, to put it simply, annoys the hell out of me. Why? Because he never shuts the hell up, that’s why. He literally never stops screaming, even when he dies. Although, weaponized swearing is a pretty boss attack. This goes well with his aesthetic as a Punk Rocker. Punk music is very loud, abrasive, and in your face, and Zed is all of these. I do like some forms of Punk music, particularly the earlier stuff from across the pond, but not as much as I like the other sorts of music represented in this game. Special mention goes to the fact that this boss is voiced by the composer of all the boss themes, Jimmy Urine of Mindless Self Indulgence, who did a fantastic job voicing the character and creating some seriously awesome music. However, on a scale of awesome to awesomest, I unfortunately have to rank this boss the lowest of the lot. Not bad, but not awe-inspiring.

Since Punk Rock emerged in the late 70s and early 80s, I have chosen to do a riff off of a popular 80s cocktail, the hilariously named, but rather tasty Screaming Orgasm. I have replaced a  couple of the ingredients to create a drink I will refer to as the VANILLA SLUT, (in all caps, of course). When serving this drink, be sure to scream its name at the top of your lungs and be careful not to be hit by too many of them or you might pass out:

VANILLA SLUT

1 oz vodka (make sure it’s good stuff otherwise your cream liqueur might curdle, you STUPID COOZE!)

1 and 1/2 oz Vanille Royale

1/2 oz cherry liqueur

Ice

Shake all ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice and strain into the most ridiculously over the top looking glass in your cupboard. Garnish with a cherry that you have soaked in the liqueur, and another cherry that has been soaked in the vodka. Drink up. London is calling.

Stay tuned for another boss and another drink. Cheers!